Don't know if it makes you feel any better, but as a very conventional person, values-wise, I have been in salaried, reasonably secure teaching positions since I was 25. And even though that "career" has spanned interesting cities like Liverpool, London, Bogota, NYC and I'm now in China, I haven't done what I thought I would and I'm not even particularly proud of anything. I also don't have much to show materially for all those years of getting up at the ass crack of dawn, as well as working hours and hours of extra gigs on top just to nudge a bit more financial room for something.
I am too young to say, "If I had my time again", but honestly if I did I don't know if I would go for the secure, job-titled thing. I wish I had bummed around and been braver and given my life to activism and community. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is good luck with giving it another go, but the ways we keep ourselves in wine and makeup (i.e. earn a middle class living) shouldn't define us either. xxx
I have to say that sounds amazing though, what a life, so much travel! My mum taught english in China, it was an experience and a half. I admire you, I admire anyone who perseveres and continues and hones their craft in any area. But yeah, it’s can just be tough all round isn’t it? I’m so interested in all the different paths and where people do or don’t find satisfaction, it’s so deeply personal and often changes quite a bit. All for wine and lipsticks. xx
Thank you for this, so much reflects the place I'm in too, down to the dozens of jobs I've had in the past (not even sure I could remember them all!). I absolutely cannot go back to full time employment (and no one would employ me anyway!) and have been scrabbling around trying to make being self employment work (I also got an ADHD diagnosis earlier this year which has been a complete mindf*ck) have a feeling I'm about to start experimenting with my creativity in a way I never have before, to see what I can actually do if I make it my priority. Will use the same prompts as you to start digging into what I can do and what I can offer! Thank you xx
Wow, this really resonates with me, it’s like the essence of being self employed - when your back is up against the wall you get even more creative. And same, I think I am now unemployable in a full time job, so I just HAVE to make it work. And similarly, I am pretty 99% certain that I’m ADHD (undiagnosed by professionals, diagnosed by everyone close to me), so it’s a heady mix!! Sending love and strength and super powers! xxx
I love this Java, the honesty is so beautifully refreshing! Ive followed you for a while on Instagram and was so happy to see you words here too 💕 I’ve always been employed in a “proper” job but have wanted to be doing my own creative thing since having our son 8 years ago - but truth is, I’m not brave enough or committed to my creativity enough to have managed to make it work yet.
Thank you so much for this, it means a lot. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing by publishing it but the responses, like yours, have been so supportive and lovely and generous. Truly, thank you. I think the most important thing above all, is to continue being creative, in whatever capacity. And to be perfectly honest, there is so much joy on not relying on creativity for income, you can be so free in what you make. Indulge in that! Hugest hugs and thank you again xxx
Wow that really resonated with me! I feel like you are telling my story, but just a slightly different version of jobs and loves and skills. I'm 42 with two kids and feel like I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to do and how I can get paid to do it. It's still a work in progress but I feel more positive after reading your post so thank you.
I'm really glad it may have helped you feel a bit more positive! It can feel so lonely can't it, which is why I'm always talking about it, because I don't have colleagues to bounce off! Also, my mum is in her sixties and still figuring out what she wants to do next. For some of us, it's forever! x
It's so nice that we are all so different in this world! But it does mean we need to be careful who we compare ourselves to eh. Some people know from a very early age what they want to do in life and us others don't (we we want to try all the things :))
This is the first post of you that I’m reading, and it was exactly what I needed! My own freelance job has slowed down considerably the last couple of months and I’ve been stressed about it.
I’ve been thinking about applying to jobs but I don’t really want to, what I want to is be self-employed and multiply my income streams.
Your honesty and bravery has inspired me to do just that! I will definitely come back to this read whenever I feel scared or insecure about my road.
(Also immediately subscribed to your Substack of course! Love your writing style!)
Ah thank you Monique! Honestly, it can be so exhausting can't it. I really feel for you, I'm still endlessly reassessing and regrouping, exploring all my options, weighing them up. It's a lot! Sending a lot of strength and resilience (which all freelancers have in spades by nature). xx
What a wonderful piece about being self employed. I find it so hard to articulate a lot of the time. Even more so when none of my friends, family etc are or have been self employed (my brother now is, because I took the leap, so we share the feelings together), but this "I had spent 18 months looking for a ‘proper’ job to pay the bills instead of doing what I do best, and it had got me absolutely nowhere." really resonated!
The amount of times I have felt like giving up, I have dusted off my CV, walked round places, applied online, stalked LinkedIn only to get nowhere and I have wasted so much time when I could have done all the things in my control in my own business.
There is a lot of noise, so much of the time about getting a 'proper' job, and don't get me wrong, I totally understand it. Consistent salary, so many benefits etc etc. But when you are someone who is wired in a way where you mentally need more, self employment is often the only way.
I am currently in a quieter time in my business, not by intention, and the stress is getting to me a little. But today I am going to make a list of things I can do that I have control of, and I won't be revisiting my CV.
Thank you for reading lovely. I am in a similar position in that only a couple of my real life friends are freelance and even those who are, tend to also have proper jobs on the side. And it can feel so lonely! And it's an endless reassessment and regrouping. I did it two weeks and now I'm doing it again!
My partner has just started a job where he's at the university two weeks a month and then two weeks focusing on his freelance work. It's such a good balance, some financial security, but then a good stretch of time to work on other projects. Kind of ideal!
Good luck with everything, sending positive thoughts and solidarity! x
Love this! Been in a similar place recently myself. The job hunt for a “proper” job can really drain one’s free time and energy! I’m excited for the shift in energy back to your skills. I’m doing the same right now. Best of luck in your ventures!
This is very a inspiring read. Thank you for sharing your journey. I did the very same thing last year. After months of searching for the right job, I found it, only to realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. This year I am embracing the freelance life and leaning into a whole new way of earning 🌱
Oh I love this! Wishing you the best of luck with everything. It's not definitely easy but still feels far more right than working in 'job' (that I am incapable of getting anyway). Lovely to hear from someone else choosing an uncomfortable path, but one that feels truthful and in honour of ourselves. xx
I love this Java… what a wide, rich and varied life. I’ve just been reflecting on a similar journey myself this week through many years of self employment, creative endeavours and pressures to ‘do something more conventional’ when finances dictate… and when I write it all down - as you have - I feel so dam proud of the wild adventures I have accumulated so far in this life… and I completely resonate with the deflation of not being hired for jobs we don’t even want. Let’s just put that to rest shall we, trust in all your AMAZING skills. I’d hire you… to style my home… to design spaces… be an awesome friend…to curate beautiful things… to read your beautiful words and ideas and appreciate your art 💫
Such a heartwarming share … going through a similar predicament of reevaluating offerings / sifting through my eclectic skills … so VERY thankful for Substack for sharing you and your newsletter (& words) with me this afternoon ♥️💖♥️
Hi Java! Thanks for sharing your story here. I think all of us that are in the same situation needed this post to keep on track and value ourselfs a bit more 💛 Such inspiring!
Thank you for your vulnerability in writing about this! I have a very similar story, but am 10 years younger. I wanted to be respected among my family and friends - seen as responsible and getting a leg up in my finances. Being independent financially brings a ton of freedom and I’ve been letting these societal prerequisites go. I’m glad you are leading in this area and are sharing some hope for taking the leap!
Even though I’m at a different stage of life, your honesty about being self-employed really resonated with me. Having been self-employed for several years, this year has been hard, and I have been thinking about looking for work other than my art. Reading your post about what skills you possess and how they can be applied to something you love was just the boost I needed to take a fresh look at my creativity and what I can do! Thank you!
I haven't had a 'real' job since the 90s. For the last almost 39 years I've either run my own businesses or been consulting/contracting. Whilst my CV isn't quite as varied as yours, at 58 years old I doubt I ever will work full time for someone else.
Don't know if it makes you feel any better, but as a very conventional person, values-wise, I have been in salaried, reasonably secure teaching positions since I was 25. And even though that "career" has spanned interesting cities like Liverpool, London, Bogota, NYC and I'm now in China, I haven't done what I thought I would and I'm not even particularly proud of anything. I also don't have much to show materially for all those years of getting up at the ass crack of dawn, as well as working hours and hours of extra gigs on top just to nudge a bit more financial room for something.
I am too young to say, "If I had my time again", but honestly if I did I don't know if I would go for the secure, job-titled thing. I wish I had bummed around and been braver and given my life to activism and community. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is good luck with giving it another go, but the ways we keep ourselves in wine and makeup (i.e. earn a middle class living) shouldn't define us either. xxx
I have to say that sounds amazing though, what a life, so much travel! My mum taught english in China, it was an experience and a half. I admire you, I admire anyone who perseveres and continues and hones their craft in any area. But yeah, it’s can just be tough all round isn’t it? I’m so interested in all the different paths and where people do or don’t find satisfaction, it’s so deeply personal and often changes quite a bit. All for wine and lipsticks. xx
Thank you for this, so much reflects the place I'm in too, down to the dozens of jobs I've had in the past (not even sure I could remember them all!). I absolutely cannot go back to full time employment (and no one would employ me anyway!) and have been scrabbling around trying to make being self employment work (I also got an ADHD diagnosis earlier this year which has been a complete mindf*ck) have a feeling I'm about to start experimenting with my creativity in a way I never have before, to see what I can actually do if I make it my priority. Will use the same prompts as you to start digging into what I can do and what I can offer! Thank you xx
Wow, this really resonates with me, it’s like the essence of being self employed - when your back is up against the wall you get even more creative. And same, I think I am now unemployable in a full time job, so I just HAVE to make it work. And similarly, I am pretty 99% certain that I’m ADHD (undiagnosed by professionals, diagnosed by everyone close to me), so it’s a heady mix!! Sending love and strength and super powers! xxx
I love this Java, the honesty is so beautifully refreshing! Ive followed you for a while on Instagram and was so happy to see you words here too 💕 I’ve always been employed in a “proper” job but have wanted to be doing my own creative thing since having our son 8 years ago - but truth is, I’m not brave enough or committed to my creativity enough to have managed to make it work yet.
Thank you so much for this, it means a lot. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing by publishing it but the responses, like yours, have been so supportive and lovely and generous. Truly, thank you. I think the most important thing above all, is to continue being creative, in whatever capacity. And to be perfectly honest, there is so much joy on not relying on creativity for income, you can be so free in what you make. Indulge in that! Hugest hugs and thank you again xxx
You are very welcome xx
Wow that really resonated with me! I feel like you are telling my story, but just a slightly different version of jobs and loves and skills. I'm 42 with two kids and feel like I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to do and how I can get paid to do it. It's still a work in progress but I feel more positive after reading your post so thank you.
I'm really glad it may have helped you feel a bit more positive! It can feel so lonely can't it, which is why I'm always talking about it, because I don't have colleagues to bounce off! Also, my mum is in her sixties and still figuring out what she wants to do next. For some of us, it's forever! x
It's so nice that we are all so different in this world! But it does mean we need to be careful who we compare ourselves to eh. Some people know from a very early age what they want to do in life and us others don't (we we want to try all the things :))
Hi Java,
This is the first post of you that I’m reading, and it was exactly what I needed! My own freelance job has slowed down considerably the last couple of months and I’ve been stressed about it.
I’ve been thinking about applying to jobs but I don’t really want to, what I want to is be self-employed and multiply my income streams.
Your honesty and bravery has inspired me to do just that! I will definitely come back to this read whenever I feel scared or insecure about my road.
(Also immediately subscribed to your Substack of course! Love your writing style!)
Xxx!
Ah thank you Monique! Honestly, it can be so exhausting can't it. I really feel for you, I'm still endlessly reassessing and regrouping, exploring all my options, weighing them up. It's a lot! Sending a lot of strength and resilience (which all freelancers have in spades by nature). xx
What a wonderful piece about being self employed. I find it so hard to articulate a lot of the time. Even more so when none of my friends, family etc are or have been self employed (my brother now is, because I took the leap, so we share the feelings together), but this "I had spent 18 months looking for a ‘proper’ job to pay the bills instead of doing what I do best, and it had got me absolutely nowhere." really resonated!
The amount of times I have felt like giving up, I have dusted off my CV, walked round places, applied online, stalked LinkedIn only to get nowhere and I have wasted so much time when I could have done all the things in my control in my own business.
There is a lot of noise, so much of the time about getting a 'proper' job, and don't get me wrong, I totally understand it. Consistent salary, so many benefits etc etc. But when you are someone who is wired in a way where you mentally need more, self employment is often the only way.
I am currently in a quieter time in my business, not by intention, and the stress is getting to me a little. But today I am going to make a list of things I can do that I have control of, and I won't be revisiting my CV.
Thank you for reading lovely. I am in a similar position in that only a couple of my real life friends are freelance and even those who are, tend to also have proper jobs on the side. And it can feel so lonely! And it's an endless reassessment and regrouping. I did it two weeks and now I'm doing it again!
My partner has just started a job where he's at the university two weeks a month and then two weeks focusing on his freelance work. It's such a good balance, some financial security, but then a good stretch of time to work on other projects. Kind of ideal!
Good luck with everything, sending positive thoughts and solidarity! x
I am coming back to this in the morning, I loved reading your thoughts so much xxx
Love this! Been in a similar place recently myself. The job hunt for a “proper” job can really drain one’s free time and energy! I’m excited for the shift in energy back to your skills. I’m doing the same right now. Best of luck in your ventures!
Thank you Courtney! Exactly, looking for work can be soooo draining and time consuming, like a job in itself! Best of luck to you too! xx
This is very a inspiring read. Thank you for sharing your journey. I did the very same thing last year. After months of searching for the right job, I found it, only to realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. This year I am embracing the freelance life and leaning into a whole new way of earning 🌱
Oh I love this! Wishing you the best of luck with everything. It's not definitely easy but still feels far more right than working in 'job' (that I am incapable of getting anyway). Lovely to hear from someone else choosing an uncomfortable path, but one that feels truthful and in honour of ourselves. xx
I'm mostly in awe of what you do and how you do it, what a brilliant and affirming post. Write the book! I'll happily be an early eye if needed x
I love this Java… what a wide, rich and varied life. I’ve just been reflecting on a similar journey myself this week through many years of self employment, creative endeavours and pressures to ‘do something more conventional’ when finances dictate… and when I write it all down - as you have - I feel so dam proud of the wild adventures I have accumulated so far in this life… and I completely resonate with the deflation of not being hired for jobs we don’t even want. Let’s just put that to rest shall we, trust in all your AMAZING skills. I’d hire you… to style my home… to design spaces… be an awesome friend…to curate beautiful things… to read your beautiful words and ideas and appreciate your art 💫
Such a heartwarming share … going through a similar predicament of reevaluating offerings / sifting through my eclectic skills … so VERY thankful for Substack for sharing you and your newsletter (& words) with me this afternoon ♥️💖♥️
Hi Java! Thanks for sharing your story here. I think all of us that are in the same situation needed this post to keep on track and value ourselfs a bit more 💛 Such inspiring!
Thank you for your vulnerability in writing about this! I have a very similar story, but am 10 years younger. I wanted to be respected among my family and friends - seen as responsible and getting a leg up in my finances. Being independent financially brings a ton of freedom and I’ve been letting these societal prerequisites go. I’m glad you are leading in this area and are sharing some hope for taking the leap!
Even though I’m at a different stage of life, your honesty about being self-employed really resonated with me. Having been self-employed for several years, this year has been hard, and I have been thinking about looking for work other than my art. Reading your post about what skills you possess and how they can be applied to something you love was just the boost I needed to take a fresh look at my creativity and what I can do! Thank you!
I have some skills but never had the one to make money by my own
I haven't had a 'real' job since the 90s. For the last almost 39 years I've either run my own businesses or been consulting/contracting. Whilst my CV isn't quite as varied as yours, at 58 years old I doubt I ever will work full time for someone else.