Don't know if it makes you feel any better, but as a very conventional person, values-wise, I have been in salaried, reasonably secure teaching positions since I was 25. And even though that "career" has spanned interesting cities like Liverpool, London, Bogota, NYC and I'm now in China, I haven't done what I thought I would and I'm not even particularly proud of anything. I also don't have much to show materially for all those years of getting up at the ass crack of dawn, as well as working hours and hours of extra gigs on top just to nudge a bit more financial room for something.
I am too young to say, "If I had my time again", but honestly if I did I don't know if I would go for the secure, job-titled thing. I wish I had bummed around and been braver and given my life to activism and community. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is good luck with giving it another go, but the ways we keep ourselves in wine and makeup (i.e. earn a middle class living) shouldn't define us either. xxx
I have to say that sounds amazing though, what a life, so much travel! My mum taught english in China, it was an experience and a half. I admire you, I admire anyone who perseveres and continues and hones their craft in any area. But yeah, it’s can just be tough all round isn’t it? I’m so interested in all the different paths and where people do or don’t find satisfaction, it’s so deeply personal and often changes quite a bit. All for wine and lipsticks. xx
Thank you for this, so much reflects the place I'm in too, down to the dozens of jobs I've had in the past (not even sure I could remember them all!). I absolutely cannot go back to full time employment (and no one would employ me anyway!) and have been scrabbling around trying to make being self employment work (I also got an ADHD diagnosis earlier this year which has been a complete mindf*ck) have a feeling I'm about to start experimenting with my creativity in a way I never have before, to see what I can actually do if I make it my priority. Will use the same prompts as you to start digging into what I can do and what I can offer! Thank you xx
Wow, this really resonates with me, it’s like the essence of being self employed - when your back is up against the wall you get even more creative. And same, I think I am now unemployable in a full time job, so I just HAVE to make it work. And similarly, I am pretty 99% certain that I’m ADHD (undiagnosed by professionals, diagnosed by everyone close to me), so it’s a heady mix!! Sending love and strength and super powers! xxx
Wow that really resonated with me! I feel like you are telling my story, but just a slightly different version of jobs and loves and skills. I'm 42 with two kids and feel like I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to do and how I can get paid to do it. It's still a work in progress but I feel more positive after reading your post so thank you.
I'm really glad it may have helped you feel a bit more positive! It can feel so lonely can't it, which is why I'm always talking about it, because I don't have colleagues to bounce off! Also, my mum is in her sixties and still figuring out what she wants to do next. For some of us, it's forever! x
It's so nice that we are all so different in this world! But it does mean we need to be careful who we compare ourselves to eh. Some people know from a very early age what they want to do in life and us others don't (we we want to try all the things :))
I love this Java, the honesty is so beautifully refreshing! Ive followed you for a while on Instagram and was so happy to see you words here too 💕 I’ve always been employed in a “proper” job but have wanted to be doing my own creative thing since having our son 8 years ago - but truth is, I’m not brave enough or committed to my creativity enough to have managed to make it work yet.
Thank you so much for this, it means a lot. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing by publishing it but the responses, like yours, have been so supportive and lovely and generous. Truly, thank you. I think the most important thing above all, is to continue being creative, in whatever capacity. And to be perfectly honest, there is so much joy on not relying on creativity for income, you can be so free in what you make. Indulge in that! Hugest hugs and thank you again xxx
This is the first post of you that I’m reading, and it was exactly what I needed! My own freelance job has slowed down considerably the last couple of months and I’ve been stressed about it.
I’ve been thinking about applying to jobs but I don’t really want to, what I want to is be self-employed and multiply my income streams.
Your honesty and bravery has inspired me to do just that! I will definitely come back to this read whenever I feel scared or insecure about my road.
(Also immediately subscribed to your Substack of course! Love your writing style!)
Ah thank you Monique! Honestly, it can be so exhausting can't it. I really feel for you, I'm still endlessly reassessing and regrouping, exploring all my options, weighing them up. It's a lot! Sending a lot of strength and resilience (which all freelancers have in spades by nature). xx
What a wonderful piece about being self employed. I find it so hard to articulate a lot of the time. Even more so when none of my friends, family etc are or have been self employed (my brother now is, because I took the leap, so we share the feelings together), but this "I had spent 18 months looking for a ‘proper’ job to pay the bills instead of doing what I do best, and it had got me absolutely nowhere." really resonated!
The amount of times I have felt like giving up, I have dusted off my CV, walked round places, applied online, stalked LinkedIn only to get nowhere and I have wasted so much time when I could have done all the things in my control in my own business.
There is a lot of noise, so much of the time about getting a 'proper' job, and don't get me wrong, I totally understand it. Consistent salary, so many benefits etc etc. But when you are someone who is wired in a way where you mentally need more, self employment is often the only way.
I am currently in a quieter time in my business, not by intention, and the stress is getting to me a little. But today I am going to make a list of things I can do that I have control of, and I won't be revisiting my CV.
Thank you for reading lovely. I am in a similar position in that only a couple of my real life friends are freelance and even those who are, tend to also have proper jobs on the side. And it can feel so lonely! And it's an endless reassessment and regrouping. I did it two weeks and now I'm doing it again!
My partner has just started a job where he's at the university two weeks a month and then two weeks focusing on his freelance work. It's such a good balance, some financial security, but then a good stretch of time to work on other projects. Kind of ideal!
Good luck with everything, sending positive thoughts and solidarity! x
I haven't had a 'real' job since the 90s. For the last almost 39 years I've either run my own businesses or been consulting/contracting. Whilst my CV isn't quite as varied as yours, at 58 years old I doubt I ever will work full time for someone else.
Love this! Been in a similar place recently myself. The job hunt for a “proper” job can really drain one’s free time and energy! I’m excited for the shift in energy back to your skills. I’m doing the same right now. Best of luck in your ventures!
This is very a inspiring read. Thank you for sharing your journey. I did the very same thing last year. After months of searching for the right job, I found it, only to realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. This year I am embracing the freelance life and leaning into a whole new way of earning 🌱
Oh I love this! Wishing you the best of luck with everything. It's not definitely easy but still feels far more right than working in 'job' (that I am incapable of getting anyway). Lovely to hear from someone else choosing an uncomfortable path, but one that feels truthful and in honour of ourselves. xx
Such a refreshing and honest post. It’s so often we see purely the inspirational creative and we don’t understand the wider background/reality that supports this. I really like your section on breaking down who you are, what you are good at and what you are leaning into. Might try this!
From this: 'I cannot tell you just how demoralising it is to be rejected by the things you do not even want, over and over and over again, let alone the things you do want.
to this:
'I had spent 18 months looking for a ‘proper’ job to pay the bills instead of doing what I do best, and it had got me absolutely nowhere.'
I totally feel it. I have gone through the same. Hours and hours filling forms up when to repeat whatever it is in my CV. I remembered one day getting into this 'blobs' platforms and feeling exhausted, anxious and angsty. I stopped. Decided that I rather spend my time doing what I love and learning how to make money out of it than living my daily life checking out my emails and begging for a job.
I relate so much to this! I've been self-employed for six years, ever since my daughter was born. I never thought I wanted to be self-employed - I was always thought I was quite happy with someone else taking on all that stress and just giving me a regular pay cheque. But then I had a baby and I was no longer welcome in the career that I'd given so much to. Self-employment is so hard and so stressful. I fantasise about a steady income sometimes. But I also know I could never go back to working for someone else. The freedom and the control over my life and the time with my children are worth it for me. There are so many ups and downs to navigate, and the grip of a dark, cold panic that arrives every so often at 3am to whisper about whether I'll be able to pay the mortgage in a few months time... But there's also space and joy and creative fulfilment. It's not for the faint hearted, but it can be so very beautiful. A bit like motherhood. 😆
I couldn’t have read this at a better time! I have been unemployed for awhile and trying to find a steady job but I haven’t been offered a single interview (other then a person trying to scam me) and most of the time I don’t even hear back at all. I have so many other things that I love to do and hope to make a living with but sometimes it’s so hard to keep going especially in the beginning when it’s all so hard and scary. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going.
Don't know if it makes you feel any better, but as a very conventional person, values-wise, I have been in salaried, reasonably secure teaching positions since I was 25. And even though that "career" has spanned interesting cities like Liverpool, London, Bogota, NYC and I'm now in China, I haven't done what I thought I would and I'm not even particularly proud of anything. I also don't have much to show materially for all those years of getting up at the ass crack of dawn, as well as working hours and hours of extra gigs on top just to nudge a bit more financial room for something.
I am too young to say, "If I had my time again", but honestly if I did I don't know if I would go for the secure, job-titled thing. I wish I had bummed around and been braver and given my life to activism and community. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is good luck with giving it another go, but the ways we keep ourselves in wine and makeup (i.e. earn a middle class living) shouldn't define us either. xxx
I have to say that sounds amazing though, what a life, so much travel! My mum taught english in China, it was an experience and a half. I admire you, I admire anyone who perseveres and continues and hones their craft in any area. But yeah, it’s can just be tough all round isn’t it? I’m so interested in all the different paths and where people do or don’t find satisfaction, it’s so deeply personal and often changes quite a bit. All for wine and lipsticks. xx
Thank you for this, so much reflects the place I'm in too, down to the dozens of jobs I've had in the past (not even sure I could remember them all!). I absolutely cannot go back to full time employment (and no one would employ me anyway!) and have been scrabbling around trying to make being self employment work (I also got an ADHD diagnosis earlier this year which has been a complete mindf*ck) have a feeling I'm about to start experimenting with my creativity in a way I never have before, to see what I can actually do if I make it my priority. Will use the same prompts as you to start digging into what I can do and what I can offer! Thank you xx
Wow, this really resonates with me, it’s like the essence of being self employed - when your back is up against the wall you get even more creative. And same, I think I am now unemployable in a full time job, so I just HAVE to make it work. And similarly, I am pretty 99% certain that I’m ADHD (undiagnosed by professionals, diagnosed by everyone close to me), so it’s a heady mix!! Sending love and strength and super powers! xxx
Wow that really resonated with me! I feel like you are telling my story, but just a slightly different version of jobs and loves and skills. I'm 42 with two kids and feel like I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to do and how I can get paid to do it. It's still a work in progress but I feel more positive after reading your post so thank you.
I'm really glad it may have helped you feel a bit more positive! It can feel so lonely can't it, which is why I'm always talking about it, because I don't have colleagues to bounce off! Also, my mum is in her sixties and still figuring out what she wants to do next. For some of us, it's forever! x
It's so nice that we are all so different in this world! But it does mean we need to be careful who we compare ourselves to eh. Some people know from a very early age what they want to do in life and us others don't (we we want to try all the things :))
I love this Java, the honesty is so beautifully refreshing! Ive followed you for a while on Instagram and was so happy to see you words here too 💕 I’ve always been employed in a “proper” job but have wanted to be doing my own creative thing since having our son 8 years ago - but truth is, I’m not brave enough or committed to my creativity enough to have managed to make it work yet.
Thank you so much for this, it means a lot. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing by publishing it but the responses, like yours, have been so supportive and lovely and generous. Truly, thank you. I think the most important thing above all, is to continue being creative, in whatever capacity. And to be perfectly honest, there is so much joy on not relying on creativity for income, you can be so free in what you make. Indulge in that! Hugest hugs and thank you again xxx
You are very welcome xx
Hi Java,
This is the first post of you that I’m reading, and it was exactly what I needed! My own freelance job has slowed down considerably the last couple of months and I’ve been stressed about it.
I’ve been thinking about applying to jobs but I don’t really want to, what I want to is be self-employed and multiply my income streams.
Your honesty and bravery has inspired me to do just that! I will definitely come back to this read whenever I feel scared or insecure about my road.
(Also immediately subscribed to your Substack of course! Love your writing style!)
Xxx!
Ah thank you Monique! Honestly, it can be so exhausting can't it. I really feel for you, I'm still endlessly reassessing and regrouping, exploring all my options, weighing them up. It's a lot! Sending a lot of strength and resilience (which all freelancers have in spades by nature). xx
What a wonderful piece about being self employed. I find it so hard to articulate a lot of the time. Even more so when none of my friends, family etc are or have been self employed (my brother now is, because I took the leap, so we share the feelings together), but this "I had spent 18 months looking for a ‘proper’ job to pay the bills instead of doing what I do best, and it had got me absolutely nowhere." really resonated!
The amount of times I have felt like giving up, I have dusted off my CV, walked round places, applied online, stalked LinkedIn only to get nowhere and I have wasted so much time when I could have done all the things in my control in my own business.
There is a lot of noise, so much of the time about getting a 'proper' job, and don't get me wrong, I totally understand it. Consistent salary, so many benefits etc etc. But when you are someone who is wired in a way where you mentally need more, self employment is often the only way.
I am currently in a quieter time in my business, not by intention, and the stress is getting to me a little. But today I am going to make a list of things I can do that I have control of, and I won't be revisiting my CV.
Thank you for reading lovely. I am in a similar position in that only a couple of my real life friends are freelance and even those who are, tend to also have proper jobs on the side. And it can feel so lonely! And it's an endless reassessment and regrouping. I did it two weeks and now I'm doing it again!
My partner has just started a job where he's at the university two weeks a month and then two weeks focusing on his freelance work. It's such a good balance, some financial security, but then a good stretch of time to work on other projects. Kind of ideal!
Good luck with everything, sending positive thoughts and solidarity! x
I am coming back to this in the morning, I loved reading your thoughts so much xxx
I haven't had a 'real' job since the 90s. For the last almost 39 years I've either run my own businesses or been consulting/contracting. Whilst my CV isn't quite as varied as yours, at 58 years old I doubt I ever will work full time for someone else.
Love this! Been in a similar place recently myself. The job hunt for a “proper” job can really drain one’s free time and energy! I’m excited for the shift in energy back to your skills. I’m doing the same right now. Best of luck in your ventures!
Thank you Courtney! Exactly, looking for work can be soooo draining and time consuming, like a job in itself! Best of luck to you too! xx
This is very a inspiring read. Thank you for sharing your journey. I did the very same thing last year. After months of searching for the right job, I found it, only to realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. This year I am embracing the freelance life and leaning into a whole new way of earning 🌱
Oh I love this! Wishing you the best of luck with everything. It's not definitely easy but still feels far more right than working in 'job' (that I am incapable of getting anyway). Lovely to hear from someone else choosing an uncomfortable path, but one that feels truthful and in honour of ourselves. xx
Such a refreshing and honest post. It’s so often we see purely the inspirational creative and we don’t understand the wider background/reality that supports this. I really like your section on breaking down who you are, what you are good at and what you are leaning into. Might try this!
Thank you for this honest and lovely letter. ♥️
From this: 'I cannot tell you just how demoralising it is to be rejected by the things you do not even want, over and over and over again, let alone the things you do want.
to this:
'I had spent 18 months looking for a ‘proper’ job to pay the bills instead of doing what I do best, and it had got me absolutely nowhere.'
I totally feel it. I have gone through the same. Hours and hours filling forms up when to repeat whatever it is in my CV. I remembered one day getting into this 'blobs' platforms and feeling exhausted, anxious and angsty. I stopped. Decided that I rather spend my time doing what I love and learning how to make money out of it than living my daily life checking out my emails and begging for a job.
Thanks for sharing!
Congratulations for your jump! :)
I really love this ❤️ Also, your skills sound amazing. Please put your subscription price up, you deserve more!
Oh my love, you are the kindest soul 💛
I relate so much to this! I've been self-employed for six years, ever since my daughter was born. I never thought I wanted to be self-employed - I was always thought I was quite happy with someone else taking on all that stress and just giving me a regular pay cheque. But then I had a baby and I was no longer welcome in the career that I'd given so much to. Self-employment is so hard and so stressful. I fantasise about a steady income sometimes. But I also know I could never go back to working for someone else. The freedom and the control over my life and the time with my children are worth it for me. There are so many ups and downs to navigate, and the grip of a dark, cold panic that arrives every so often at 3am to whisper about whether I'll be able to pay the mortgage in a few months time... But there's also space and joy and creative fulfilment. It's not for the faint hearted, but it can be so very beautiful. A bit like motherhood. 😆
I couldn’t have read this at a better time! I have been unemployed for awhile and trying to find a steady job but I haven’t been offered a single interview (other then a person trying to scam me) and most of the time I don’t even hear back at all. I have so many other things that I love to do and hope to make a living with but sometimes it’s so hard to keep going especially in the beginning when it’s all so hard and scary. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going.
Good insight 😌 Can i translate part of this article into Spanish with links to you and a description of your newsletter?
Hi Salvador, yes of course! x